The Sum Of Any Outcome
by linnell
Summary: A Collins story! Not only that, a preRent Collins story! Chapter Eight 10802
1. Default Chapter

A/N  Welcome to a new story…  these guys still don't belong to me.  The title of this story comes from The Josh Joplin Group and comments are always appreciated.  

I don't know why I even noticed her.  Perhaps it was that she couldn't sit still, she was constantly tapping her foot, playing with her hair or humming a song.  Or perhaps it was because she was dressed up.  She was wearing a long fancy dress that one didn't usually see in this part of town, especially at this time of day.

  She didn't look at anyone, but I couldn't take my eyes off of her.  There was something about her that was striking and yet, something about her that made her seem lost.  

          I wondered why she was there.  The same reason we all were I guess. We were all broke and sick.  But I wondered if she was there for the same reason I was.  She had to be, by the way she anxiously sat on the chair, she was definitely waiting for some news.

          Either that, or she needed a fix. Realistically, it was probably a combination of both.  

          She caught me staring at her for a second, and she glared at me, but I smiled at her and she smiled back.  I wanted to go over to her and tell her it would be ok, though I didn't have any right to make such a promise.  

She looked up at the clock and sighed and got up and spoke to the receptionist.  I heard her threaten to leave and just as she was about to another nurse appeared and called "April Nelson".

          She followed the nurse behind the door and I went back to thinking about my own reasons for being in this dreary place.  It was only a few minutes later that another nurse appeared and called "Thomas B. Collins".

          I knew what she was going to tell me before I even walked into the clinic.  HIV.  I had it.  The virus was poisoning my blood more every second.  I sat there and listened to her spout out the instructions that I already knew by heart.  

          "Thomas, you need take your AZT…"

          "Three times a day.  Yeah, I know… every eight hours."  I flashed my smile at her; the same smile that got me in and out of a lot of difficult situations.  "I've been through this before."  She nodded knowingly.  

          "Ok then, Thomas.  You'll come back next month for a doctor's visit?"

          "Yeah, I will."

          "You know, it is important that you contact all the people that you…"

          "It's ok.  I know who I got it from.  I haven't been with anyone since."

          She smiled and squeezed my hand.  "Good luck."

"Thanks."

So there it was.  A diagnosis.  I knew it was coming.  I had told Michael that I was sure I was fine, that we were always safe.  But I could feel myself getting a weaker the past few months, and I didn't want to let myself believe.  Besides, I had to take care of him.  If he had known that he gave me AIDS, he would have never forgiven himself.

And I couldn't let him die like that.

So I kept my suspicions to myself, and a week after he died I left Boston and moved to New York to start over.  I had to get away from Boston for a while.  All of his friends, and boy did he have a lot of friends, mourned for him.  His funeral was as big as any world leader's and people's hearts were emptier from his death.  I couldn't take the pitying looks, the sad words, and the promises to call. I had to split town.

I was the one he loved.  And I was the one who held him while he got sick.    And now, I was going to have to do it on my own.  I shook the nurse's hand and she handed me a beeper, to remind me to take my AZT.  

As I walked toward the subway, I tried to digest the news.  It was one thing to be pretty certain, but an entirely different thing to know for sure.  To know that I may not live for a thousand years like I had thought.  That I had only a limited time to make a difference in the world.

When I went down into the subway, the same girl in the fancy dress was sitting on a bench, clutching a beeper, and weeping.  I knew instantly that she had just heard the same news as I did.  There seemed to be no train in sight, so I stood there awkwardly for a few minutes.  Finally, I decided to go and talk to her.  Maybe it would help her.  Maybe it would help me.

I cleared my throat.  "April, right?"  She looked up at me surprised and wiped her tears.  It was obvious she wasn't used to letting people see her cry.  She nodded and I could tell she was a little scared, but also a little curious.

"I'm Collins.  Well Tom Collins, but my friends just call me Collins."

"Hi, Tom."

I smiled at her.  She was a feisty one.  "Mind if I sit?"

"Free country."  She shrugged and wiped her eyes with her sleeve.

"Want to talk about it?"

She glared at me.  "About what?"

"Well I… I saw you at the clinic earlier, and now I see you here, holding this."  I gestured towards her fist where she was trying to hide the beeper. 

"So, what the fuck do you know?"

"I know."  I pulled my own beeper from my pocket, "I just got one too."

She looked down at it.  "You mean you have?"

I nodded.  "You?"

"Yeah."

The train was beginning to approach.  "LOOK! DO YOU WANT TO GET SOMETHING TO EAT?  WE COULD TALK?"  I yelled.

"I CAN'T!  I'M ALREADY LATE!"  When the train stopped I followed her on and sat next to her.  "Sorry. I'm just… I'm on my way to a wedding actually."

"Oh! That explains the dress."

"Yeah."  She took a deep breath.  "I guess I was a little dressed up for a death sentence, huh?"

I took her hand, "You look beautiful."

She began to pull her hand away, but then stopped at the last moment.  She smiled at me, "Tom, you aren't hitting on me, are you?"

"Nope.  I don't fly that way, sorry."

"Good, because my boyfriend would have to beat the shit out of you then."

"Boyfriend, huh?"  She nodded.  "Is he positive, too?"

She looked away for a moment.  "I don't know.  I don't know how to tell him."  I watched tears well up in her eyes again.  

"You just have to honest, April."

"No, I can't. Not yet."  She shook her head.  "I don't know how the hell I'm going to go to this damn wedding now."  She wiped her tears away with her free hand.

"Whose getting married?"

"One of my roommates, Benny.  My boyfriend is one of his best men, actually."  I nodded.  "So now I'm going to have to sit there and pretend to be happy for him and Muffy, who I hate.  And Mark, the other best man and his girlfriend Maureen are going to be all over each other, and Roger is going to get drunk and I… shit… I shouldn't even go."

"Hmm… ok… calm down.  It is only for a few hours, you can get through it."  I looked at her, "His wife's name is Muffy?"

"Well no… it is Alison, actually.  We just call her that.  Rich chick, from Westfield, Connecticut."

I laughed.  "Ah, I see.  And who are Mark and…"

"Maureen?  Oh they are our other roommates.  They just started dating and if they aren't fucking, they are fighting."

"Sounds like living with them is fun."

"Oh it's a blast."

"How many people do you live with?"

"Who the hell knows.  Our place is like a commune, always some lost soul sleeping on the couch."

"Sounds like where I used to live.  So Roger, I would assume, is your boyfriend."

"Yeah. He's a… he's…"  She stops herself from continuing, and I know better than to ask her too.  She'll tell me with time, if she wants.  She sat silent for a minute, looking at me.  "Listen, what are you doing now?"

"Nothing."  I laughed.  "Except going in the wrong direction of my place.  I just wanted to talk to you.  You looked like you needed it, and well… Actually, I'm new to the city, and I don't know anyone."

"Really?  That explains a lot."

"What do you mean?"

"New Yorkers don't randomly go up to strangers and offer to lend a shoulder to cry on."

"Yeah well, Bostonites don't either, but I have never been one to conform."  I smiled at her.

"Well, Tom, this might seem a little weird, but since your heading in the wrong direction anyway, would you like to be my date for a wedding?"

"A little weird? Wouldn't that be your boyfriend's job?  I wouldn't want him to beat the shit out of me."

"Eh, he won't care.  Like I said, he'll be busy at the open bar.  Plus there are going to be like three hundred people there and no one will notice one extra."

"I don't know…"  
"Come on.  I can't get through it without you."

"Five minutes ago, you didn't even know me!"

"Please?"  She grasped my arm desperately, "I won't go if you don't."

"That isn't fair."

"Please Collins?"

I smiled at her first use of my name.  "Fine, I give in.  Where is this wedding anyway?"

"Westfield, of course."

"Oh shit, are you kidding?  I'm probably a little underdressed."  I looked down at my old faded Silence=Death t-shirt.  

"You're fine.  Just… just keep this," she tapped at her beeper, "a secret, ok?"

"You are going to have to tell him."

"Not today.  Benny's his best friend."

"Fine, I'll keep your secret."

"Great!  And hey, if you are looking to hook up, maybe you could hit on Mark.  Roger and I always thought he was gay but then one day he came home with Maureen."

"Great, just what I need, a closet case."  I took a deep sigh and put my arm around my new friend.   


	2. Here I Am

A/N:  Here is chapter two, this is so far a fun story to write, and I realize that it doesn't fit perfectly into the 'rules' of Rent, but just wait, because I have a plan to make it.  Hehe…  They don't belong to me, I just use them for amusement.  Thanks to Kait for NOTICING my overuse of the word notice and all my tense problems.  

April and I chatted all the way to Grand Central, and then all the way to Westport.  I told her about Michael and how he and I met.

          "I was borrowing a newspaper for the stand he worked at.

          "Borrowing?"

          "Well, I was just taking the Classifieds section, I needed a place to live.  I was going to give back the rest of the paper."

          "So what did he do?"

          "He took me in."  I shrugged, "He was that kind of person." She chuckled.  "What?"

          "You don't even realize that you are that kind of person too."

          "Well, yeah, I guess.  I must have learned it from him."

I paused for a moment, "What about you, what is Roger like?"

          "Oh he's… he is really sweet deep down. But when he…" She stopped and looked out the window, "He's just changed a lot lately."

          "How so?"

          "Look, no offense, I just don't want to talk about it ok?  This has already been the fucking worst day of my life."

          "I'm sorry."  I sat there awkwardly for a few seconds.  

          "This is our stop, come on."  She stood up and I followed her out the door of the train.

          "There they are."  She pointed to a table in the back corner of the room.  She plastered a big smile on her face and dragged me towards her friends.  "Hey guys!"

          "April! Where they hell have you been?"  A tall man in his early twenties stood up, looking out of place in the tuxedo he was wearing.  "You missed the whole fucking thing."

          "Roger, stop being an ass."  A smaller blonde, wearing a matching tuxedo spoke firmly.  I noticed how his command broke the other's rage. 

          "I… I… had that job interview, remember?"

          "Yeah, I know, but how long do those things take?"  

          "I had to wait a long time, I'm sorry."  She went over to him, kissed his cheek and gave him a hug.  "I got here as fast as I could."

          He bent down and embraced her, "It's ok, babe, I was just worried."

          "Ahem."  I cleared my throat.  The table looked over to me for the first time.  "Hi. I'm Collins."

          "Oh, I'm sorry, Collins."  April left Roger's grip and came over to me, "Everyone, this is my old friend Tom Collins, we haven't seen each other in years.  We ran into each other on the subway and I invited him to come with me."

          "Hey, nice to meet you.  I'm Mark, and this is Maureen."  Mark stretched his arm to me.  

          "Same to you, Mark and Maureen."  I flashed my smile at them and Maureen smiled back, although she still remained silent.

          "Old friend?  From where?"  Roger inquired. 

          "Collins! This is Roger, my boyfriend."  April spoke quickly and turned to him, "I told him all about you."  

          "Hey."  He muttered to me.  April stepped on her Tippie toes and whispered something into Roger's ear.  "Oh!  Oh! Ok."  He turned back to me "Hey man, good to meet you.  Sit down, can I buy you a drink?"  

          I grinned, "A Stoli Straight would be great."

          "Straight, huh?"  Roger chortled and then turned to April, "What about you, babe?"

          "A beer is fine, thanks."  She came around the table and sat next to me.  "Collins, I can't take it.  I don't know what to say!"

          "Honey, you are doing fine.  They all seem really nice."  
          "Roger's wasted."

          "He didn't seem drunk to me."

          "Well he's not drunk… he's just wasted."

          "Oh," what she had just said to me clicked, "OH!  Do you want to go?"

          "No, I'm ok.  I'm used to it."   

          "Mark, let's dance."  Maureen's loud voice interrupted our whispering.  We both turned to them.

          "Maureen, you know I hate dancing."

          "Come on, this is a wedding!  Everyone is dancing!"

          "You go dance, I'll just hang out here."

          "Pookie!  Come on.  I don't know anyone out there."

          "Maybe later."

          "You said that ten minutes ago!"  Her voice was getting louder and shriller.  
          "No, I didn't…"

          "Oh right, that was last night at the rehearsal dinner.  Or the night before at the club, or the…"

"Damn it Maureen, when are you going to get the clue I don't dance?" 

April leaned into me, "Maureen's going to storm away and it is going to take Mark about thirty seconds to follow her, just watch."

          "Jesus, I don't know why I even bother with you!"  Maureen dramatically stood up, knocking her chair over.  "I'm going to find some rich hot guy and dance with him all night."  She stalked away from the table.  April and I watched Mark watch her leave and shake his head.  He then got up and followed her onto the dance floor.

          "Fun couple."  I note.

          "Yeah, it is a mating ritual with those two.  They fight and then they fuck.  I really wish the apartment had thicker walls."

          "Heh, I bet."  I spotted Roger walking towards us, trying to balance three drinks.  "Hey, man, let me help you with that."  I took my glass from him and he handed April her beer and sat down.

          "I can't believe Benny is married.  "

          "Yeah, I know."  April stroked his arm tenderly.  "It doesn't mean you guys aren't friends anymore, though."

          "Yeah, I know."  I took that moment to look at Roger closely, and finally observe the void look in his eyes.  "Where are Mark and his princess?"

          "Dance floor."  

He nodded, "You didn't want to dance, did you?"

          "No, of course not."  Roger didn't notice the sad tone in her voice.  "Look, I have to use the Ladies Room, will you boys be ok alone?"

          "Of course."  I smiled at her, as she walked away.  "Are you ok?"

          "I'm fine.  No worries."

          Roger and I sat there silently for a few moments.  I shuffled in my chair and nursed my drink. Roger's beer was already near finished.  "So Roger, what do you do?" 

          "Do?  Oh, I'm in a band."

          "Really, great, what kind of music?"

          "Oh, punk rock, hard core.  The Well Hungarians, do you know us?"

          "No, I don't, sorry."

          "We play around the city a lot."

          "Oh, well I just moved to New York last week."

          "Well how do you know April then?"

          "Huh?"

          "April grew up in Greenwich Village.  How do you know her?"

          "Oh, uh…" Damn, for someone fucked up, he sure paid a lot of attention to details, "Our father's were friends."

          He looked at me sternly, "April doesn't know who her father was.  He took off before she was even born."

          "Oh, uh…"

          "What the hell is going on?"

          "We… just met actually on the subway, and we started talking and she asked me to come along."

          "You mean you picked up my girlfriend on a subway?"

          "No… I'm not… I'm not interested in April like that."

          "How the hell are you interested in her then?"  Suddenly April reappeared at the table.  "I asked you a question, _Tom_."

          "What's going on here?"

          "Well, your old friend, Tom here, just admitted that you guys have known each other only a few hours.  Care to explain?"

          "We just started talking and he mentioned he didn't have any plans for today and I was telling him about the wedding and the free food and invited him along.  I didn't want you to think…"

          "This is fucking great.  Is he the reason why you missed the whole fucking ceremony?"  Roger's voice was getting louder and people at the other tables had begun to notice.  

          "What is going on here?"  A very nice looking, black man, also wearing a matching tux, approached us.  "You told me you would behave tonight,"  he said in a hushed whisper.  "The Goddamned Mayor of New York City is just a few tables away."

          I turned to where he gestured and for the first time, noticed faces of men I had only seen on TV before.  What kind of wedding was this?

          "I'm sorry."  Roger exhaled while sitting down and folding his arms.

          "Hey, Benny.  Congratulations."  April smiled at him and he embraced her.

          "Hey Beautiful, I'm so glad you could make it."  
          "I brought a new friend of mine, I didn't think it would matter."

          "No, no, of course not."  He stretched out his hand to me.  "I'm Benjamin Coffin the Third."

          "Thomas Collins.  Friends call me Collins.  Congratulations."

          "Thanks.  It has been a long day."  I held up my drink to him and he took it and swung it back, "I needed that."

          "You looked like you needed that."

          "Benjamin!"  A voice broke through the crowd and I determined it came from the gorgeous blonde in the wedding gown.  "Time to cut the cake!" 

          "I got to go.  Nice to meet you Collins."  He put his hand on Roger's shoulder, "You, behave."

          Roger nodded and finished his beer.  "Hey man, I'm sorry.  I just get jealous, sometimes.  You would too if your girl looked like her, huh?"  He grabbed April and pulled her playfully onto his lap.  "You looked stunning, baby."

          April's cheeks turned crimson as she adjusted herself on Roger's lap.  I could tell how in love she was with him.  I could also tell this wasn't the best thing for her.  "You look pretty damn hot in this tux, yourself, Davis."

          He began kissing the back of her neck.  She giggled and pulled away, nodding towards me.  "Oh, uh… maybe I'll go find your friends and dance with them."

          "Yeah man, dance with Mark.  Maybe you can get him to finally come out of he closet," Roger said.  April giggled into his shoulder.  

          "Yeah, I'll see what I can do."  I got up and left the two of them in their strange world and looked for Mark and Maureen, wondering to myself how exactly did I end up here.


	3. We All Want to Be Okay

A/N  Sorry this took so long, it has actually been almost done for awhile, but I didn't know how to end it.  Thanks to Kait for looking it over and I'll try and be quicker next time!  Comments are always appreciated.

          It was a long night, one that rushed back to me as soon as I felt the pain in my head when I opened my eyes.  "Oh God," I whispered to no one in particular.  

          "Here."  A glass of water and a bottle of aspirin were handed to me.  I nodded my thanks and struggled to open the bottle, while holding the glass and trying to keep my eyes closed.  "Here, let me help you with that," Mark laughed as he took the bottle back, "how many do you want?"

          "What's the legal limit?"  I mumbled.

          "Heh, like it matters to you."  He shook out three and handed them to me, "Apparently laws don't mean much to you, huh?"

          "Laws are only for those who believe in rules."

          He laughed.  "Man, that was some night.  I can't believe you convinced the limo driver to take us to Atlantic City."

          "Hey, like I said…"

          "No's an answer."  He stated with me.  "I like that."

          "Yeah, me too. My boyfriend Michael used to say that."

          "Michael, huh?  Where is he?"

          "Heaven."  I whispered, though I smiled at the thought.  

          "Oh, uh."  Mark began rubbing the back of his neck and looking away.

          "It's ok, Mark."  I sat up further and looked at him.  "Really."

          He smiled at me, "Do you want something to eat?  Dinner perhaps?"

          "Dinner?  What time is it?"

          "Oh about seven, but considering we didn't get back here until noon."

          I chuckled, "That's true.  Are the others still sleeping?"

          "Yeah, I think all three of them are going to sleep until tomorrow.  They all got pretty wasted."

          "You think?  I mean, Maureen had to be pretty drunk to get up and start doing that strip tease at the club."

          "Actually, Maureen was kind of sober then."  Mark shrugged.  "She doesn't have many inhibitions."

          "You like that about her, huh?"  I followed him into their small kitchen and watched him take out some bread and peanut butter.

          "Oh yeah, I mean, I'm Mr. Inhibition, so being around her is amazing."

          "I don't know about that Mark, you seemed to let go last night.  Especially when you had your camera, it takes a lot of courage to cart that thing around and stick it in people's faces."

          "I guess.  I don't know, when I'm behind my camera, I can almost pretend I disappear.  People don't ever see the filmmaker, you know?  Just the camera."

          "Well I noticed you, and I was glad you were there last night.  You saved my ass."

          "Nah, you would have been ok."

          "I don't know.  Those guys were really pissed that I won all their money.  When they followed us out of the casino, I was a little worried.  As soon as they saw your camera though, they took off."

          "Yeah, well I'm sure the New Jersey Mob doesn't like their crimes filmed for prosperity."  

          I laughed, "No kidding.  I just wonder why they didn't just go after you, too."

          "Let's not over-analyze.  How much did you win, anyway?"  Mark asked me with an eyebrow raised.

          "Oh, about three grand, which is good, because I need to find a real place to stay."

          "What do you mean?  You don't have a place?"

          "No, I've been staying at a shelter for the past week, while I've been looking for a place."

          "Well you found it," he stated matter of factly.

          "Huh?"  I looked at him, knowing what he was about to ask, but really surprised.

          "Benny's bed is now empty, the four of us can't afford the rent on our own, and it makes sense."

          "Maybe you should ask the others first."

          "They won't care.  April and you are already friends and Maureen adores you."

          "What about Roger?"  I asked solemnly, "I don't think he really liked me that much."

          "Oh, he does.  He just wasn't… himself last night."

          "Because he was high, huh?"

          Mark looked at me, "Yeah, how did you…"

          "April.  She didn't tell me directly, but I figured it out."  I finished my sandwich and asked, "Does she use too?"

          "No. I don't think so anyway."

          "Poor thing," I stated to myself, more than Mark.

          "Well, she knew what she was getting into when she started dating him."  Mark said with a bitter tone.

          "What do you mean?"

          "Roger's a partier, always has been.  They met each other at a club, so what did she expect? "

          "Are you jealous?"

          "Who me?  Jealous?  Of Roger?"

          "No, I meant of April."

          "What? No!"  He stormed past me.  "Why does everyone think that?"

          "Hey, sorry, I didn't mean…"

          "I mean, if I were gay, which I'm not, I wouldn't go for _Roger_ of all people.  Come on."

          "Ok."

          "Besides, I have Maureen.  And seriously, have you looked at her?  The woman is a Goddess and why would I give that up…"

          "Ok."

          "…to be with Roger, who is straight anyway, and completely in love with April and he can be such a bast…"

          "Mark!"  I grabbed his shoulders.  "It's ok.  I'm sorry I brought it up."

          He pulled his shoulders away, "Yeah, alright."  He seemed embarrassed now, and I felt bad.  "So dinner."

          "Yes, dinner.  My treat."  I smiled at him.

          "I was hoping you would say that, those peanut butter sandwiches really sucked.  I know this great place down the street, called The Life Café, have you been there?"   

          "No, but I'm a vegetarian…"

          "Not a problem."

          "Ok great, I just have to make a stop at the pharmacy before we go, ok?"  I pulled the small piece of paper out of my pants to make sure I still had it.  

          "Yeah, of course."  

          On the way out the door, I noticed April's bag sitting next to the door.  I knew she hadn't gotten her prescription filled either.  "Hey Mark, one second."  I picked up her bag and shuffled through it.

          "What are you doing?"  Mark grabbed the bag from me, just as I gripped onto a piece of paper that I hoped was her prescription as well.  "That's April's."

          "Yeah, I know… I… was looking for some gum that she had yesterday."

          "Oh."

          "I didn't think she would mind, but you're right, I shouldn't go through her stuff.  Sorry."  I took her bag from him and put it back on the floor and shoved the piece of paper in my pocket.

          "Ok, let's go."


	4. A Plea from One Who Must Be Kept

          When Mark and I got back to the loft, April and Roger had moved from their bedroom to the couch.  April sat up and Roger had his head in her lap.  She absentmindedly stroked his hair and flipped through a magazine.  

          Our entrance startled her, especially since Mark yelled that he brought leftovers home for them.  We put the food in the small cubic fridge and Mark went to check on Maureen, whom April said hadn't stirred yet at all.

          When Mark was out of sight, I tossed her the small brown bottle I picked up for her.  It bounced off of Roger, causing him to stir, but she was able to grab it before he realized what was happening.  

          "What the fuck?"  Roger said groggily.  

          "Sorry, Roger."  I said sheepishly.

          I watched April glance at the bottle and then glare at me.  She gripped onto it tightly and shimmied herself away from Roger.  "Baby, go back to sleep, Collins and I will go outside to talk."

          "Mmm…" He had already flipped over so that he was facing the back of the couch.  

          April grabbed my arm and dragged me into their bedroom and opened the window.  She stepped out onto the fire escape and I followed her.

          "What the fuck do you think you're doing?"  She whispered loudly, holding up the bottle.

          "April, you're going to have to tell him."  I whispered to her sternly.

          "Not that way!"  

          "Well how?  When?"  I asked her, raising my voice.

          "I… I don't know.  But on my time!  Collins, I just found out yesterday!"

          "He needs to get tested, April." She frowned and turned away from me.  "It isn't fair…"

          "Fair?  What the hell about this is fair?"  Tears formed in her eyes and her face was quickly turning crimson.

          "Nothing, sweetie, nothing."  I stepped towards her and reached out but she pushed me away.

          "Besides, who the fuck are you to tell me what to do?"

          "A friend."

          "Bullshit.  You didn't get tested until after Michael died."

          "Yeah but…"

          "No, I don't want to hear it."  She backed away from me.  "And I don't want this shit."  She handed threw the bottle on the ground.

          "April!  You need that our you'll get sick."

          "No… no I won't."

          "Honey, I'm all for having a positive attitude, but denial isn't going to cure you."

          "No, I'm not going to get sick, I won't let myself."

          "These," I picked up the bottle and held it out to her, "Are the only way to stop it right now,"  I pleaded with her.

          "Not the only way," she said simply.

          "What do you mean?"

          "Nothing, forget it."

          "No, what did you mean?"

          "Look, I promise I'll tell Roger, just give me some time, ok?"

          "You really shouldn't wait."

          "I won't, I promise.  He'll find out real soon."

          She crawled through the window and I followed her.  When we walked back into the living room, I was surprised to see Roger awake and Mark sitting right next to him feeding him the leftovers.  

          "Ahem."  

          "Oh hey, guys!" Mark overstated.  "We were just… I wanted Roger to taste this burrito I got at the Life."

          Roger shifted his position so he wasn't so close to Mark.  "Everything ok, babe?"  He reached out for April and she took his hand.

          "Yeah, everything is fine."  She smiled at him.

          "So Collins," Roger said, after he pulled April toward him, "Mark told me he asked you to move in.  Welcome." 

          "Thanks, it really helps me out…"

          "You're moving in?"  April asked.

          "Yeah, do you mind?"  I said.  

          She turned red again and shook her head.

          "Of course she doesn't mind!"  Mark said as he got off the couch, "She and Collins go way back!"

          I laughed, "Actually Mark…"

          "Yeah, Collins and I have shared a lot."  April interrupted and smiled at me.  I smiled back and watched Mark walk back to the small kitchen.  

          "Hey Collins, come here."  I walked over to the kitchen, "You might not want to leave these out," he picked up my prescription bottle that I left on the counter, "Things like these tend to walk out the door."  
          "No, probably not…" I grabbed for the bottle, but he pulled it away.

          "AZT?"  He read.  I took the bottle from his hand and walked toward April and Roger. "AZT?"  He looked at me.  "You have… are you?"

          I stopped and turned to him.  "Yeah, I'm HIV Positive."

          "Holy shit."  Roger spit out behind me.

          Mark dropped the bottle like it was poison and the room grew silent.

          "April, did you know?"  Roger finally asked.

          "Uh… no, I had no idea,"  She stated, I turned quickly towards her, shaking my head.

          "Look, if you guys have changed your mind about letting me live here…"

          "No!  Of course not!"  Mark walked toward me.  "We're just surprised.  But I mean, we live in the village, we know people who are… uh… positive."

          "Yeah, like this junkie I know in the park, he got diagnosed a few years ago, but he's still kicking," Roger pitched in.

          "Roger…"

          "No, it is ok.  We should talk about it, that way it will be no big deal after awhile."

          "Right, no big deal," Maureen mumbled from the doorway.  "Sorry, I didn't mean to eavesdrop…" She came over to me and took my hand.  "I'm sorry, Collins."

          "Thanks."  I smiled at her and pulled her in for a hug.

          "Did you get it from your boyfriend?  Is that how he died?"  Mark asked.

          "Yeah."  The room grew awkwardly silent for a few minutes, as everyone diverted their glances from me and from each other.  "Look, why don't I go for a walk and you guys can discuss this and if you are ok with me staying here.  I'll understand if you're not, really."

          "Collins, of course we want you to stay."  April said.  "We need you here."

          Maureen laughed, "It's true, only one day and you wiggled your way into this family."

          "Still, I think I need some air," I said as walked towards the door. "I'll be back in a half an hour."  I smiled and waved at them, "Honestly, I'll understand if you change your minds."


	5. All we’ve lost is time in the end

A/N:  Sorry for the long time without an update, and the fact that this is a short chapter.  The next few should be good, I just need to find time to write them, but I'm moving and work is crazy right now. 

          The truth was, I really wanted to live in the loft with them.  I didn't know why though.  I hardly knew them, but I knew they needed me as much as I needed them.  With or without me, April's secret is going to come out and tear them apart.  

          Chances were, since April had it, so did Roger.  He's probably the stupid fuck who used some dirty needle and passed it on to his unknowing girlfriend.  Just one careless mistake, and bam, he killed her.

          Just like Michael's one careless mistake long before I met him, and our own careless encounters, even though we were vigilantly safe.  But accidents happen, so do addictions and illness and death.  It is called life and I plan on living.  Nothing was going to stop me, I was going to make a difference, and my first stop was in that loft on Avenue B and 11th Street.

          My beeper went off as I rounded the corner back to the loft.  I left my AZT inside. I mentally tell myself that I'm going to have to remember to bring it with me from now on.  

          When I get to the door, I stand for a moment, debating whether I should knock or just walk in.  I heard their voices through the thin walls, talking about me, and about the disease.

          "Can you imagine knowing you are going to die young?"  Maureen asked.

          "All I know, if I ever got AIDS, I would kill myself."  Roger stated gruffly, "No fucking way would I ever allow myself to get that sick."

          "Really?" April said meekly.  "I mean, you wouldn't even try and fight it?"

          "Hell no.  I'd rather die quickly and under my own hands then slowly in a hospital bed."

          "I don't know, I mean, they are working for a cure, it might be a good…"

          I couldn't stand listening to anymore.  I knocked on the door as I pushed it open.  "Hey guys.  I'm home… or uh… back."

          "Sweetie," Maureen walked towards me, "You're home.  We're thrilled to have you."

          "Yeah man, as long as you teach me your hustling tricks, you can stay as long as you want,"  Roger laughed.

          I laughed too, "No way, I'm going to hustle you till you have nothing left."

          "He's got nothing to start with," Mark interjected.  "But seriously, Collins, if you need anything, let us know.  We're here for you."

          They all nodded in agreement.  "Thanks guys."

          "Hey, it is early!  Why don't we all go out to a club!"  Maureen said suddenly.  

          "Early, it is eleven o'clock."  Mark said, obviously not wanting to go.

          "Exactly, Mark."  Roger stood up, "I definitely want to go out, I need to talk to a few people."  The room fell silent for a moment.  "Guys, don't give me shit."

          "We didn't say anything." Mark said flatly.

          "Yay! We're going then!  I'll go change!  April, do you want to borrow something of mine?"  Maureen walked behind her and draped herself over April.

          "Ooh! Leather catsuit!"  Roger suggested, poking April.

          "You have a leather catsuit?"  I asked, curiously.

          "Doesn't everyone?"  She said with a flirtatious smile.

          "Thanks anyway, Maureen, but I'm going to stay here."  April pulled away from her and got off the couch. "I have a headache, so I don't feel like going to a club."  She smiled, "But you guys go, have fun. Dance the night away."

          "You sure, April?"  Mark asked.

          "Yeah, of course.  I'm just going to pop some pills and go to sleep." 

          "Come on Babe," Roger followed her off the couch, "We slept all day."  He leaned over and kissed her, "Time to go party."

          She smiled and shook her head.  

          "Well at least put the catsuit on," he whispered seductively.  She pushed him away playfully.  

Mark sighed deeply and walked around collecting dirty dishes from around the room.  "I think I'll stay in too."

"What! Pookie!"  Maureen yelled from her bedroom.  "You have to go!"

"What the fuck, man, you don't want to go now?"  Roger stated.

"Look guys, why don't we all just stay here?"  I interrupted.  We could just hang out and talk or something. 

"No!" April interjected quickly, causing all of us to turn curiously at her.  "I mean… I have a real bad headache and really just want to be alone."  She rubbed her temples for emphasis.

"Mark, get dressed, you're going."  Maureen came out of her room, wearing a short jean skirt and a halter-top.  

I whistled at Maureen's grand entrance.  "Damn girl, you look fine."  She played right along with me and draped her body over mine.

"You really think so, hot stuff?"

"Ahem!  Come on guys!"  Mark whined.

"Yeah Maureen, save it for the dance floor, or at least someone who is straight."  Roger pulled her from me.

"Yeah, like me," Mark said, and we all turned to him as he pulled Maureen from my arms..

"So then you're coming, Pookie?"

"Yeah, yeah.  Let's go."  

April walked us to the door and hugged each of us.  She kissed Roger goodbye, whispering to him that she loved him.

With that, the four of us were out the door.


	6. This is our time until it passes

A/N: Thanks Kait for looking over this in record speed. Yay!

The club Maureen chose was a dance club with flashing strobe lights and loud bass-heavy music.  I lost the other three as soon as we walked in the door.  I wandered over to the bar and ordered my usual drink, a Stoli straight and turned and leaned against it, staring off onto the dance floor.

            I couldn't really see more than a few people deep, the place was packed and everyone there was having a good time.  I decided to walk through and see if I could find one of my new friends.  I walked along the perimeter, the best I could, while juggling my drink and avoiding the sweaty, almost naked bodies.  A flash of light gained my attention and I spotted Mark, camera up to his eye, taking it all in.

            "Hey there," I bumped into him, playfully.  "Having fun?"

            He reluctantly pulled the camera down, "Yeah, I guess."

            "Where is that lady of yours?"

            "WHAT?"  Mark yelled over the drum beats.

            "MAUREEN!?" I yelled back.

            "In there somewhere…"

            As if on cue, Maureen appeared from the dense crowd, leading a very cute, obviously gay, guy behind her.  "Collins!  Just who I was looking for!"  She grabbed my glass and downed the rest of it.  "I wanted you to meet a friend of mine!"  She screamed in my ear.  She pulled the guy closer to me, "Collins, this is Mike!"

            "Mike?"  I yelled back.  "As in Michael?"

            "Yeah, nice to meet you, Collins."  He reached out his hand to me; I shook it, and then shot Maureen a look. 

            "Same here.  Look, I have to go."  I turned around and maneuvered my way through the crowd.  It was a good thing I couldn't hear their conversation, but I imagined that Mark was yelling at her for being insensitive.  

            It wasn't that he reminded me of Michael, and it wasn't just that I'm not ready to date, I'm not, but… it was just…

            "Roger!"  I had made my way to the door and saw a small group of shadowy figures hunched over.  I recognized the white lettering on his t-shirt glowing from the black light.  He barely flinched at my voice, but reacted enough to know he heard me.

            As I approached the group, I saw him trying to slyly pass a needle to the guy next to him.

            That was it, I couldn't take it and I couldn't hold it in.  This guy was a fucking idiot.  I grabbed his arm and pulled him up from the bench and dragged him out the closest door.  I slammed his body against the wall.

            "What the fuck, Collins!"  He pushed me back, but I easily held my ground and trapped him.

            "Sharing needles?  Are you fucking stupid or do you just have a death wish?"

            "I didn't even do anything!"

            "You were about to!"

            "Yeah, so?  It was a new needle."  He pushed back against me, "NOT that I have to explain anything to you!" 

            "Yeah, you do.  What about April?  How will you feel when you…"

            "Who the fuck are you?  You just met us yesterday!"

            "Who the fuck am I? I'm a walking reminder that this disease exists, that is who I am!"

            "Look, Collins, I'm sorry that you're sick, but this is none of your business.  _I'm _none of your business, ok?"

            "Roger, you have a problem, no one in that loft will admit or say anything to you!  Maureen is too into her own world to notice.  Mark is so fucking in love with you; he is scared to say anything, scared you'll leave.  And April…"

            "Don't."  He turned his gaze from me; "Just don't bring her into this."

            "Don't you see what you are doing to her?  She is terrified for you, and she is so sad.  She's afraid of you, too."

            "Fuck off."  The tears that were welling up in his eyes let me know that I was getting through to him.

            "Look, you might not have forever.  Especially with this road you're on.  That girl loves you, don't fuck it up."

            "It's too late…"

            "No, it's not.  Roger, you can stop."

            "I can't!  Look, you don't think I've tried?  When I don't get a hit, I get sick, really sick…" He looked up at me, "I can't think of anything else."

            "I know, but you have to do it.  For April.  She needs you."

            "There they are!"  Maureen stormed outside the club.  "We've been searching everywhere for you guys!"

            "Oh hey, we were just talking."  I backed away from Roger, and he discreetly wiped his eyes.  
            "Everything ok?"  Mark wanted to know.

            "Yeah, peachy keen," Roger noted.  "Let's get out here."  He started walking away from the club, and the three of us followed him.

            "Look Collins, I'm sorry about introducing Mike to you…"

            "It's ok, Maureen."

            "No, I mean, I just thought that since you were single, and he's really cute…"

            "Maureen, SHUT. UP."  Mark interjected.

            "You shut up!  All I'm saying was that, even though you're positive doesn't mean you can't…"

            "Yeah it does," I said simply, without breaking my stride.

            "No, it doesn't!  There are ways to be safe and…"    

            I stopped in my tracks and turned to her, raising my voice louder. "Yeah, Michael and I were safe and looked what happened.  This virus ends with me.  I'm not passing it on to anyone."

            "Oh.  Uh," Maureen sputtered out, "Sorry… I just thought…"

            "Maureen… just stop," Mark snapped.  

            We all walked the rest of the way in silence, all thinking about our own demons.  Well, maybe not Maureen, who knows what she was thinking about.  Still, none of us knew what was waiting for us back at the loft.


	7. The Future That Was

A/N:  Warning, this is a little disturbing.  Uh… I already started the next chapter, so that should be up soon.  Hope you all are still reading.  Why don't you review and let me know? (hint hint)         

BTW- The title of this chapter comes from (as they all have previously) The Josh Joplin Group.  The special thing about this one?  It is from their new CD. 

Mark tried the door first.  It was locked and he searched in his pockets for a key.  "Shit, I forgot mine."

            "Here." Maureen sighed as she dug through her purse.  "I wonder why April locked the door, we never do."

            "She probably just went to bed, and you never know in this neighborhood."  Roger grabbed the key from Maureen and stepped in front of Mark.  He unlocked the door, but when he tried to open it, it only budged a little.  "What the fuck?"  He pushed harder.  "APRIL!  Move whatever the hell is blocking the door!"  He knocked and yelled.

            "Here, let me try."  I stepped up to the door and leaned into it with all of my body weight.  Roger joined me and we were able to budge the door enough to get inside.   

            "April?"  Roger called out.  
            "Shh! She's probably sleeping, remember?"  
            "Yeah, I know, but…" April had moved the coffee table to block the door.  "What if something happened?"  I pointed to the table.  "She was obviously trying to keep someone out."

            "Yeah, but who?"  Mark said quietly.

            "APRIL!"  Roger bolted for their room.  "She's not in there."

            All at once we turned to the bathroom.  "Fuck!"  Roger got there first and tried pushing on the door, but of course she locked it.  "Collins!"  

            "Ok."  I went over and again we threw our bodies into the door, this time knocking it off the hinges.

            None of us were prepared for what greeted us.  April's body was limply lying against the wall, one hand was gripping a yellow lined piece of paper. 

 "Oh God," I muttered under my breath.

"APRIL!"  Roger screamed.

"Shit…" Mark muttered, pulling Maureen away from the door.

Roger remained still, frozen in his tracks.  "Oh shit… oh shit… April… no… no… oh shit…"

"Shh Roger."  I patted his shoulder and approached her body.  I absently felt for a pulse in her neck, knowing full well I wouldn't find one.  I examined her wrist and then pulled the note from her grip.  I glanced at it quickly and then shoved it in my pocket.

"I called 911."  Mark said as he reentered the bathroom.  "Is she?"

"No… she's going to be…" Roger sputtered out.

"Roger… no… she's not." I looked up at him, "I'm sorry."  Mark approached her body and reached out to touch her.  I grabbed his arm, "No. Don't."

"Her eyes," he said with panic in his voice. "They'll still open."

"OK, I'll do it. Just don't touch her."

"Oh shit… nonononoshitnoAprilno."

"Mark, get him out of here."  I went over the young girl and gently shut her eyes.  When I knew Mark had pulled Roger away, I pulled out the note from my pocket.  The handwriting was shaky, almost as if she had decided at the very last minute to write it.  In fact, the note seemed unfinished.  _We have AIDS.  Oh God, how was I going to give this to him?_

"April, how could you?" I remained close to her, whispering, "You took the easy way out.  I should have known.  You kept hinting at it.  Fuck, why didn't I notice?"

"Collins?"  Mark uneasily spoke.  "What's that?"  He nodded to the piece of paper in my hand.

"She left this for Roger."

He nodded slightly.  "He left."

"What?"  I stood up.  "Where did he go?"

"I don't know.  To get wasted, probably. I tried to stop him, but he pushed me out of the way."

I took a deep breath and walked near the door, pulling Mark out with me.  "Maybe it is for the best.  He doesn't need to see the paramedics come for her, you know?"

"Yeah, that is why I didn't really try to stop him."  When we were safely in the living room, Mark went over to the couch and sat next to Maureen.  She was bawling and automatically collapsed into his lap.  He began stroking her hair.

"Why did she do it?"  Maureen asked between sobs.

"Baby, I don't think we'll ever know," Mark said in a calm, soothing voice.  He spoke to her as if she were a child.  

"Actually," I handed the note to Mark.  "We do know."

            He silently took it from me.  "Oh, God."  The color in his already pale face completely disappeared, as he shut his eyes.  "No, she's wrong.  Impossible."

            "What, Pookie?" Maureen sat up and he handed her the note. She read it, and then looked up at me. "What?"  

            "She's wrong." Mark said calmly, standing up.  "I mean, how could they, how could she…"

            "You know very well how, Mark." 

 He took a deep breath.  "No, he wouldn't be so stupid."

"The hell he wouldn't!"  Maureen shrieked.  "Mark, he's a junkie.  Do you think he really cares where his smack is coming from or who used the needle before him?  No! He only cares about getting high."

"No, he promised me.  He told me that he was careful."  Mark sounded like he was trying to convince himself more than us.

The sirens that were the usual background noise grew louder while we talked.  I knew the paramedics would be arriving in a moment, so I left Mark and Maureen and met them outside.  I showed them up to the loft, explaining what had happened.  

It was very routine for them. Two of them worked in the bathroom and a third took our statement. The three of us watched silently as they carried her body out in a bag.  


	8. Time killed the rebel that could not cha...

A/N Another long wait.  I've lost steam.  Sorry.  School, work… Kait being grounded.  Who knows when the next part will happen or if it ever will… Review and convince me to continue.  Any grammatical mistakes are there because Kait didn't get to read it first.

"I should call Benny."  Mark finally said after a few minutes.  "He should be here."

"He's on his honeymoon, Mark."  Maureen gently reminded him.

"Yeah, I know, but… he'll come home for Roger." 

"Yeah, you call him.  I'll clean up the bathroom." I softly said.

"I'll help you, Collins."

"No Maureen, you better not risk it." Her eyes bugged out for a second, and then she silently nodded.  "I'll do it."  I searched the tiny kitchen for cleaning supplies.

"Benny?  It's Mark."  I walked into the bathroom and shut the door.  I took a deep breath and stared at the spot where a few minutes ago, April's body lied.  A girl I only knew for a few days, but yet somehow, I'm cleaning up her blood and helping these people get through this.

It was when I was on my knees scrubbing the dried blood from the floor that I realized that I hadn't thought about Michael during this whole time.  It was the first time since his death that he wasn't immediately on my mind.  In fact, I realized I was able to care for others besides him.

"FUCK!"  The sound of the phone crashing against the wall startled me and I went out to the living room.  Tears were streaming down Mark's face.  "He's not coming.  The fucking bastard isn't coming."

"What?" Maureen approached Mark and rubbed his arms.  "He's on his honeymoon, Mark, he'll come when it is over."

"No, he said he couldn't get involved in this.  That his father-in-law and investors wouldn't understand about why he was rushing back to the city because of a girl's suicide."

"Mark… I'm sure…"

"No.  You know what he said?  He said that April's death was going to bring the market value on this loft way down.  He said there isn't any point of trying to sell it now, so we can all stay here for free."

"That Fuck!" Maureen yelled.  "I knew as soon as he got married he would do this."

"Look, I'm sure he'll call back." I offered, though I wasn't sure.  I didn't even know Benny.

"No, he won't.  He only cares about one thing lately, getting ahead." Maureen said.

"He said we were golden." Mark calmly said.  "That we would be here rent free and we wouldn't have to worry about anything.  I mean… that's a good thing, right?"

"Yeah, with Roger being sick, you're going to need more money."

"God, Roger."  Mark fell into the couch.  "We have to find him, we have to find him."

 "He's not going to just give up junk because of this.  It isn't going to be easy." I wanted them to be prepared for the worst.  It was going to be a hard road ahead and they needed their strength.  "I'll go look for him.  You two, stay here and rest."

Mark pulled Maureen to him.  She was crying and his lips were trembling. They both must have been exhausted because they didn't argue with me.  I grabbed my coat and headed out the door.  "Any suggestions on where to start?"

"Yeah, St Mark's Place.  That is where his dealer usually is."

"Ok."  I opened the door, "Take care of each other."  Maureen sunk completely into Mark's lap and he stroked her hair, finally letting tears roll down his face.

I didn't have to walk as far as St. Marks.  I walked out of the door of the building and there he was.  He was just standing there, smoking, trembling looking like he wanted to scream but he didn't know how.  

"Roger?" I approached him carefully.

He shook his head and backed away from me.

"Roger, why don't you come inside, so we can talk?"

"Did you see them?"  He spoke softly.  "Did you see them take her away?  Like she was an object… a… a thing.  A body.  Not a person.  Not April.  She's now just a thing."

"Roger…" I reached out to him.

"Don't!  Stop! Stop saying my name… stop trying to help."  He looked at me suddenly.  "Who the fuck are you anyway? Why do you care?"

"Because… I wanted to help her."

"Help her?"  He inhaled deeply on his cigarette.  "Help her with what?"

I realized that I was stuck.  I was going to have to tell him.  "Roger, April was HIV positive."

The cigarette fell out of his hands and slowly cascaded to the ground.  He shut his eyes title.  "No…"

"I'm sorry.  She just found out before Benny's wedding.  The same time… the same time I found out."

"You're a fucking liar."

"I wish I were."  There wasn't anger or fear or any other kind of expression on his face.  Just nothingness.  "You know what that means, right?"

"What? HIV Positive. Yeah, I know, it means she had AIDS."

"No, that's not what I meant."  

He looked me in the eyes for moment and the realization hit him.  "No!  No no no no. No."

"Roger, you have to get tested."

"No! I can't do this.  I can't die!"  The numbness in his expression broke and tears were running down his face. I stepped to him and embraced him, his body stiff; he leaned over onto my shoulder. "No… no…"

"Shh… It will be ok."

"April… how could she…" He sprang up and stepped away from me.  "I did this to her.  I gave it to her."

"You don't know for sure." He was starting to break and I was afraid he was going to take off.

"Just… stay away from me."

"Do you want me to get Mark?"  He quickly shook his head.  "Come upstairs, it has been a long night." Long night indeed, the sun was starting to peek over the horizon.  

His body relaxed and he exhaled loudly.  I took it as a sign that he was relenting.  "Come on.  We'll get a good sleep and then go to the clinic tomorrow."

"Yeah, ok.  Tomorrow."


End file.
